Lost Down The Rabbit Hole

There seems to be a new fad going around in full force: clean eating

The root cause of this lifestyles is admirable and important. I love that more people are becoming aware of what they're consuming and really beginning to examining their food... 

That being said, I desperately want to caution those who have adopted this lifestyle change. So here is my cautionary tale:

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http://www.michellechant.com/2011/08/

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I wanted to be a lean, mean, clean eating machine. I did everything right. I did my research. I balanced my meals. I was informed, and level-headed. I workef put everyday and had six pack abs. Despite all of that, my obsession turned lethal. The scary truth is that being "healthy" nearly killed me. Now anytime I see someone being/striving to be uber-healthy I feel an urge to warn them, to show them the otherside of the looking glass. 

 

 *Let me clearify, by "healthy" I mean: Cutting out processed foods, trans fats, unnatural sugars, added sodium and chemicals, preservatives, refined flours, dairy, and meat. I ate a very balanced vegetarian diet (I did eat fish and egg whites). 

At about the same time that I had mastered clean eating, I also began experiencing terrible GI issues (including extreme nausua, severe cramps, and stabbing pains). I don't believe my new lifestyle had much to do with it. I felt physically better whilst adhering to it,and  drastically worse when I veered off-course. I had bouts of milder symptoms before (off and on for several years, actually) so I believe the severe physical illnesses I was experiencing were most likely the same thing. I do belive that my compromised health exasperated my underlying medical issues (I just recently got my answer as to what this mystery ailment that has plagued me for over 10 years is - Dysautonomia). Coincidentaly, the deepest part of my struggle with ED occured just when my Dysautonomia really started to get revved up. As that gained strength, the physical pain of my body was in became too much. The pain from just ingesting food was great enough to cause a fear so intense that I would develop a full-fledged phobia. 

I should also mention that I experience (and sometimes still do) a strange compulsion to move after ingesting something. This started several years before my epic battle with ED began. It was as if being idle turned the food into lead, which would painfully weigh down on my stomach. That "full" feeling was physically painful. Excruciating. 

Soon after the clean eating and fitness obsession hit its pinnacle, the delusions began. If I worked out, the calories I ingested would turn to muscle and it would fuel my body more efficiently. If I didn't, then said calories would turn to fat and would be wasted. The health and fitness fanatic in me just screamed "Muscle is good, fat is bad!"

I will always remember one particular day in the fall of 2002. It was then that I realized I was completely at the mercy of my eating disorder. This was the day that I knew I was sick. I knew I was too thin. I knew I was dying. Even more startling - and important to convey- is the fact that I didn't want to be that thin. Not in a million years. I wanted to gain weight. I wanted to be like I was before: Athletic, strong, fit, lean but not skinny. What happened that day and the revelation I had, shook me to my very core. I was terrified. That moment went something like this:

It was morning and I was sitting on the couch, watching TV while I ate breakfast which consisted of a regular sized bowl of cereal (some sort of Kashi), soy milk, and 1/2 a banana. Sensible and satisfying. 

Immediately after ingesting it, I panicked. That was the day I knew I was a prisoner on death row. The only reason I didn't reach out and seek help right then and there was because of the social stigma attached to eating disorders. I was too scared of what everyone else would think. The fear of being labeled a weak, entitled little white girl was too strong. This vivid memory is locked in my mind, forever etched into the walls of my psyche. I dig it up anytime I hear that voice - that dreaded siren call of ED- whenever I'm on the brink of relapse. This memory reminds me of the journey back home and how long, scary, and dangerous it was. Because of that, I don't dare jump back down that rabbit hole.

“In another moment down went Alice after it, never once considering how in the world she was to get out again.” 

― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

* Side note: I think it is important to be honest in order to truly grow awareness. However, to keep things as safe as possible I will NOT divulge information such as: weight, height, BMI, or clothing size.

The depth of my rabbit hole

*Upon Hospital Addmittance*
    Average body temperature: 95 degrees
    Average heart rate: 40bpm
    Hospitalized in critical condition
    Beginning stages of multipule organ failure
    NG (nasogastric) Feeding Tube (24hr/day feeds) 
    PICC line with 24 hr IV infusion nutrition (TPN - Total Parenteral Nutrition)
    Refeeding Syndrome after starting IV and NG tube nutrition.
    Gastroparesis

    Severe GERD

    Water intoxication 

How long did it take  me to make my way out of just that part of it?

    I was rid of the PICC line and NG tube after 6 months, but was still unable to attend school for another year. 

Ok, how about after that? 

    It's 11 years later and I still have issues with gastroparesis. 

    I have weak joints, osteoarthritis, gastritis (which causes my stomach lining to bleed periodically), neurological damage (though some of that is due to a medication reaction a year later), memory problems... That's all I can think of at the moment. 

Please, please, please be careful! Being healthy and fit is wonderful. No longer being able to enjoy (or even eat) something "unhealthy", or just a day to be "lazy" is not. 

Letter to my 16 Year Old Self

Dear Me,

Yeah, this is me...Er, you... In the future... I know what you're thinking - but this isn't a dumb prank your friends are pulling. You're quirky and aren't one to dismiss strange things, so I'm going to assume that about half way through this you're going to just take my word for it. I also know that you're crazy busy but please just listen and give me the benefit of the doubt. So, yeah, this is you in the future... I'll let that sink in a minute. Ok. Now that we're on the same page (or at least the same book), I'll begin. You are 16, and unlike most 16 year olds you don't take yourself to seriously. That's good. Hold onto that. The adults in your life really do respect you and what you have to say. You don't have to try so hard to impress them, or anyone for that matter. For some reason (believe me, you'll spend years trying to figure this out. You'll come up with some theories, but nothing earthshaking. No crazy revelations.), you feel that you must be the best. Quit chasing that coveted #1 spot. In everything. I know that working your ass off only to make it to the top 5 (in everything) is frustrating - and for once it would be amazing to actually be the best in something - but top 5 is actually really awesome.

After that speal I feel compelled to tell you that you don't even need to try for top 5. No matter what anyone says. You don't have to exhaust yourself trying to impress everyone because of some idealized notion society has placed on you. Everything is not a competition. That also goes for your love life. Let's face it, it's not even about the boy anymore. It's a competition. If you could just move on it would save a lot of heartache for several people. Teenage angst and melodrama aside, you really can stop competing with yourself. Stop pressuring yourself to be the "ideal" daughter/student/friend/etc. Let go of that incessant need to be "perfect". To have zero flaws. LET IT GO! It could help us tremendously in the future if you would just realize that you already are perfect. There is no need to keep chasing the mirage. That's all it is, a twisted little mirage. In two years someone will say these words to you: "you ARE perfect" and they will resonate with you more than any truth ever before. I know that 2 years seems really close, but it is actually light-years away. You're rolling your eyes right now and are thinking, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. Everything is going great right now. I have awesome friends and everything is going according to my plan. I have a high GPA and am on track for a stellar transcript. I have scholarships lined up and it's all because of my hard work. That hard work that you're telling me to let up on. If I let up, I am never going to make it. I'll fail."

That takes me to my next message.
In a year your world is going to come crashing down around you. You will have no warning (other than this right now) and you'll panic. You'll panic like you've never panicked before. Yeah, I thought that would get you're attention. To be honest, I'm conflicted with whether or not to disclose certain details of this chapter. If you know before hand and somehow manage to side-step it, it would change everything about you... I know I would have liked some warning, so I'll tell you anyway. If for some reason, through some kind of divine intervention you do see it coming, just let it happen. If nothing else, let this be of some comfort and hopefully it will soften the blow of what is to come. In one year life is going to test you. Big time. You MUST survive. No, I'm not being dramatic. This is a real. It's life or death. Ok, don't panic. You're panicking, aren't you? Stop. Breath. 

It's nothing like what you are thinking, or could possibly think. You aren't going to be stalked by some crazy serial killer or anything. When your world is bleaker than anything you've ever been through, trust in your friends. They really are great friends. They will stand by you through everything. Don't cut them out. You won't want to talk to people, but try. They care more than you realize. Give your parents a break. They aren't trying to control you. They are scared. Terrified. Stick to your guns. Just because they are supposed to be "experts" doesn't mean they know what's best. Listen to your inner voice. Above all else, remember: This too shall pass When it does, wonderful things will happen because of it - but I can't say anymore about that ;) Be strong. Your life may not happen as you so carefully planned, but it will be perfect. *Thank you, Carrie at Just Mildly Medicated for this great blog idea. I loved it :)

Obsessing over what You're teaching you're children? Me Too!

I'm always obsessing over what I'm teaching my kids

What I should be teaching them, and what I should NOT be teaching them. My husband says that I over complicate things. I stress about this constantly. He is of the "they're kids. Let them be kid's and they'll learn along the way" school of thought.. Which is great. I totally agree, but what about their emotional growth and adjustment? Are we damaging them? Should we be going about things completely differently? Are we totally messing them up?... Ok, yeah, that's what goes through my brain, in a nutshell. Scary, right? Anyway... I'm trying to relax and  let things go, but at the same time I want to ensure that I'm helping them grow into compassionate, inquisitive little beings, guiding them with love, and instilling positive habits. All with a huge dose of enrichment. Now for the threads of this tapestry:

• My son (18 months) is very laid-back and perfectly happy just hanging out. He likes to explore on his own and would rather do so than be led through something. He is just like my husband and fits well with his parenting style.
• My daughter (3 yrs. old), is much more like me. She craves activity and routine. She gets very irritable when cooped up, or stuck in an "entertain yourself" type of atmosphere for too long. She loves interaction and sensory play. As I am almost positive that we are failing at some stuff, there are a few things that I am proud of. I hope that my family will continue to incorporate new, enriching activities as time goes on. Admittedly, there are also some things I am NOT proud of and want to NIX right away.

Things I am Proud of:

• Kelly and I started keeping art journals about 6 months ago. We call them our "special books". Usually at night, before bed, we get them out and work on them a bit. Our special books are just for us and we can write/draw anything we want in them. I have pages dedicated to certain people/themes, and she has adopted this idea into her book too. She will tell me, "I'm working on daddy's page". Though she is only 3 and cant write yet, I know that soon she will and i hope to still be doing this. I plan to keep the journals as they fill up over the years and give them to her when she turns 18 (or something like that). On my sons next birthday, I am going to give him his very own Special Book to fill up. 

• Both my children already love the outdoors. I don't really think I need to go into detail about why this is a good thing, but I definitely want my children to love and respect nature. 

• My husband started a great tradition with my daughter about a year and a half ago. Each night (most nights, as long as weather permits) they go outside to say goodnight to the moon and stars. I absolutely love this. 

  Things I want to try:

• Before a holiday, I want to have my children (and us parents) go through all their toys and clear out all the stuff they have outgrown. The catch: They have to donate the old stuff so that they will have room for new stuff.
• Family Sleepovers!!! I think this is an awesome idea. Pick a night each week/month (whatever you want) and set that night aside for a family sleepover. Have everyone sleep in the living room with their sleeping bags, etc. Watch a movie together, pop popcorn, tell stories! Right now my family kind of already does this. Every night. Since my husband just got out of the military we are kind of in limbo. We have moved back to Florida and are staying with my parents while we look for a pace and get settled. This means that we are sleeping in my old bedroom. That's right. Two adults, two toddlers, two dogs, and two snakes. One bedroom. Cozy. That being said, I am beyond grateful for my parents, and everything they are putting up with - Because, you know, all of the two adults, two toddlers, two snakes, and two dogs are running rampant through their house. Which, by itself, has three adults (one with special needs), and two dogs.

• Night time "thank you for...." - Every night, before bed, have everyone say a thank you prayer. 

• Write a letter to my child each year on their birthday. In a way, I already do this with my Special Book. Every few months (as soon as they have outgrown the previous page) I make a page dedicated to that child. I write on it their favorite things of that moment and date them. I include favorite colors, songs, activities, foods... Anything and Everything.

Things I want to NIX!

• Parenting from two different books - I absolutely HATE this! Not only does it cause arguments, but it also confuses the kids
• Communication interference - In powder for my husband and I to be parenting from the same book, we need to communicate better. 'Nuff said.  As my husband and I continue this journey, we have been able to identify our main goals. Hopefully, we can solidify them and make peace with the inevitable conclusion that we will scar our children in some way. I can only hope that it will be something very miniscule.